Not so much a New Year Resolution, more a plea to the Gods: New Year, New Riah!*
The constant reader might know that my hair is something of a trial. I have grown very used to my follicular inadequacies, but this year, thanks to the lovely Nikki Cooper of Inner Me, I am going to see if the Inner Me Lustrous Locks Vitamin Complex can make a difference. This is the pack to purchase if you want to help your hair. You take two capsules every day with water or a cold drink, and after you’ve eaten. The capsules contain nine active ingredients including the trace minerals selenium and zinc, and the B vitamin Biotin, and will hopefully turn my hair from flat to fab. Bear in mind, what’s growing out of your scalp has already snuffed it. It’s D to the E to the A to the D. Dead. What the capsules do, is look after the roots and feed the follicles.
So, what is Inner Me up against? A lot, really. My hair is fine – extremely fine. Fine hair can be lovely if you have tons of it, and it wisps around your face in an ethereal, Sarah Moon kind of way, but mine doesn’t. A ruggedly handsome male hairdresser has advised me to only use a baby brush on it. Luckily, I had one to hand from when I kept house rabbits, so this is now what I use for daily smoothing.
In the last year, I have begun treating myself to fancier shampoos. I used Vichy Dercos Energisant at the beginning of the year and then switched to Klorane Shampooing volumateur au lait d’amande. I have about a third of the bottle left on this, after which I’m going a little more budget-friendly with l’Oreal Elvive Triple Resist x3 reinforcing Shampoo, which comes in a huge, butch bottle that I suspect might be aimed at men.
I expect you think I might talk about conditioner now. Um, no. I am too lazy to use conditioner, except on rare occasions when I fancy trying out something I got for free (like the nicely scented and prettily packaged Percy & Reed one that came free with Glamour.) I have been looking for a leave-in treatment for a little while now, as I think even my idleness might be able to cope with a couple of sprays of product after washing and no extra rinse.
I dyed my hair just before Christmas. I used Garnier Olia, which I wholeheartedly recommend because a) it comes with big, scary black gloves that make you look like Darth Vader or a throttler from a cheap TV show and b) I got excellent coverage of my greys with no stains on the bathroom or my skin, despite sloppping it all round the place in my usual cack-handed fashion and c) it smells nice. Not just OK, but nice.
So, to recap, my hair is fine, generally unconditioned, and dyed back to its natural dark brown colour. Here are some of the other awful things I do to it. I tie it up in Goody ouchless bands and pin it up with hairpins. My preferred technique is twist, knot and jab savagely. I wash it just before bed and then sleep with my head on a towel because I don’t want to turn the dryer on and disturb my neighbours. When I do dry it I use the hottest setting because it’s so bloody cold in England, even though I know that the cool setting is best for fragile hair like mine. Oh, and I feed it a steady diet of absolute rubbish like cakes, sweets and Pringles.
And finally, no less an authority on women’s beauty than Ruggedly Handsome Male Roland Mouret told me that my hair would suit me best if I cut it short. I have photographic evidence from years gone by that proves He Speaks The Truth, yet I am still stubbornly letting it grow. I don’t know why. I think Monsieur Mouret must have been on the money when he diagnosed a Sabine Women complex in me (and many others) – a desire to give those pursuing us something to grab hold of. I have bravely broken cover in the photo above to show you the wispy, flyaway mess that is my crowning glory at the time of writing.
It all seems a little hopeless, no? But Nikki (who has seen these gory locks in all their glory) was confident that Inner Me could help, and put her money where her mouth is by sending me Lustrous Locks and Beautify Me. I was immediately impressed that they came wrapped in pink tissue and black silk ribbon, like fancy lingerie, or quality macaroons. I’ve been playing with the smart little packets all afternoon, admiring the action as they slide in and out of the gorgeously illustrated box.
I’ll be starting the course tomorrow, popping Monday 1. Hopefully, the clever design (inspired by contraceptive pill packets) will mean that I don’t forget to take them.
I’ll update this post as I go along, with a final verdict in February. If you also have delicate hair and can’t wait until then for the verdict, why not buy the capsules here and join me in my Lustrous Locks experiment? I am very excited. Stronger, healthier riah* would be a bona start to 2013.
* In case readers are of tender years, or have led very sheltered lives, I should explain that ‘riah’ is not a typo. It is a word drawn from polari: the ancient language of queens. A fine introduction to this noble language is The Polari Bible.
Watch and listen to the delightful video below to hear Polari spoken by masters: Julian, and his friend: Sandy …
