Calzedonia Astrology 30 Denier Appearance Tights – they’re tacky and tarty and I love them

Behold my tacky,  tarty tights – they are CALZEDONIA Astrology 30 Denier appearance and I love them

Is it even your birthday month if the gods don’t tempt you with a nice new thing? The gods tempted me as I pounded down Oxford Street with Margot a couple of weeks ago. I was gabbing away when out of the corner of my ever-beady eye I spotted that Calzedonia had wrestled their shop window mannequin into a pair of astrological tights.

Obviously, we had to investigate further. We found the tights downstairs where the bargains live, and they were part of a multi-buy, making them an affordable purchase – if like me, you had a burning need for two pairs of astro-tights and one pair in sensible everyday leopard.

This is the packet that the Calzedonia Astrology comes in: the tights are modelled on a tall person judging by the long, elegant foot. And only a few of the signs are visible in the photo – there’s no 360 view of the design.

“Aries, Gemini, Le-o …”

Buying tights can be a bit of a gamble, since you can’t try them on before purchase, and you shouldn’t open the packet until you’ve paid for them

Tights photography is an artform, and one of my favourite genres. I love the the high fashion kinkiness of Wolford packaging but I’m also very fond of pretty much any bog-standard 1970s brand that was sold in the corner shop in any colour you liked as long as it was American Tan.

Because hosiery photography is designed to be so enticing, it is essential that you scrutinise carefully before committing yourself to purchase, and visualise your own actual self in the nylons, not yourself as photographed by Helmut Newton.

Me, sadly NOT photographed by Helmut Newton, wearing a neon jumper by Sibling (sample sale, ages ago) and some stupid little boots (£4 from the chazza, yesterday) demonstrating how Pisces takes centre-stage when you cross your legs in Calzedonia Astrology Tights

I was a bit worried that my own sign – magnificent Capricorn, truly the greatest of all the signs – might have been overlooked by the designers. Margot and I turned the packet this way and that, trying to figure out the rationale for each sign’s placement. Margot guessed that Capricorn might be round the back and up the top – something of an obstacle for proudly flaunting one’s Capricorn realness, but not insurmountable. Quite a nice challenge in fact! 

And Margot was right – she usually is, in pretty much everything. Putting the Calzedonia Astrology on today, I found that whichever way I turned them, Capricorn was going to end up on my back right thigh. Capricorns are not as flashy and flaunty as a Leo or a Gemini, so I suppose if any sign can cope with having its light hidden under a bushel, it’s us. But, honestly, don’t you think it should have been Virgo? Virgos are far less interesting to look at than us gorgeous goats, and they hate being looked at anyway, so a win-win to tuck them out of the way beyond the hemline.

I had to really contort myself to get this photo of CAPRICORN, but I did it

I recommend this product because …

Tacky, tarty tights are one of the best Small Joys of Life. And if you like Astrology as much as I do, these are an  amusing and practical purchase. 

They feel nice on, which is essential. When it comes to tights, it doesn’t matter how gorgeous a design is if they are a tactile nightmare. Anything next to the skin has to feel good, or it’s simply unfit for purpose.

ATTENTION THOUGH! If I buy tights from Calzedonia again, I will size up. I bought these in a Small/Medium and I am comfortably in the height and weight ranges indicated for both Small(2) and Medium(3). The tights were a surprisingly close fit  though, only just long enough in the leg!

So I re-examined the packaging, and discovered that they are size 1/2 which should translate as XS/S not S/M as stated. This was not that annoying for me, but it would be maddening for anyone with longer legs than me or Madonna.

I’m putting this post up in haste because these tights are currently available at the bargain price that I got mine for. They’ve survived a whole day without being snagged by the cats’ claws, and I haven’t managed to ladder them myself. They feel light on the leg, but durable.

Remains to be seen how they’ll wash. The packet says handwash: obviously, I won’t be doing that. I hate rinsing out stockings in the sink, it makes me feel like a Jean Rhys heroine, and not in a good way.

I suspect that these tights, whilst making your legs look very pretty, will also work as excellent Man-Repellents but it’s too damn cold to go out in the world and look out for sneering glances, so I can’t say for sure – yet.

RRP: £19.99 for one pair BUT  currently available for £6.00 (or as part of a buy-three offer for £19.99) online  here or in a CALZEDONIA boutique – find your nearest one here